Part-time teacher next year, Mother all day, Crossfitter at noon

I’ve been thinking about writing something for the past few months to talk about my journey back into Crossfit after having my son Chase. I normally leave the gym each day with all these inspirational ideas in my head, then by the time night rolls around and Chase is asleep I feel like my head is just one big blur. I am still adjusting to stay at home mom life. I am sure once I get it all down, it will be time to start working again :) All of my inspirational thoughts probably would have only accumulated into a short little Facebook post. However, a few days ago I had a setback that demanded a blog post to actually happen.

Let’s start with this photo. This is a photo of my post-baby stomach in all of its glory (it used to be much larger). It isn’t pretty, but it bore human life (and a pretty cute one at that:) ). The reason I am showing you all my stomach that I normally spend so much time trying to hide with cute baggy blouses (thank god that style is in right now!) is to educate you. If you are a woman that likes to lift heavy and/or crossfit and also wants to have a baby, listen up!

When I got on the scale at the doctor I noticed I lost all but 4 damn pounds of my pre-baby, crossfit regional competitor, in-shape self. Damn! Well, that is exciting. I have been eating well and working out….. but….. WTF?! Why do I still look 5 months pregnant? I mean I plan to fully embrace the stretch marks, loose skin, and my c section scar. I don’t expect to have a 6 pack right now, and I am not asking for a miracle! However, having a weird, large, round, and hard belly (no, it isn’t even flabby fat which would totally make sense...) is unsettling.

I went to my new OB in Michigan, since I couldn’t see my doctor in LA, of course. She said everything looked fine, no hernia, uterus was good. I asked her to check my abs...yup, all was good. Hmmm.. I wondered...okay, well I did gain 50 pounds in the pregnancy, I have a short little torso, and I was pretty huge (a few friends told me they “feared for me” when she saw me around 40 weeks prego) ...so fine….I am just kinda screwed up and need more time to get back to normal. Makes sense! I am also still nursing so that can mess with hormones and whatnot. Plus, it hasn’t even been a year yet so I told myself to suck it up and move on, ...... back to Crossfit. I felt blessed that I recovered from major stomach surgery well (that is scary stuff!) and patted myself on the back for coming back slowly and not going too fast and hurting myself. I felt like I had EARNED all of my PRs that I was getting at 10 months postpartum. I was patient and now I finally get to push harder and harder! Bring it!! I was PRing like crazy during this #comeback process and feeling like I was getting MY body back. I felt fresh, fun, and free and would get excited to see what each day would bring. I was truly enjoying the journey because I had no deadline, no competition, no pressure but my own goals. It was invigorating.

Little did I know... I WAS hurting something .... I was separating my abs more and more, and I had no clue because everything felt totally fine. And this comes from someone that got pretty good at listening to her own body over the years of competitions. After talking to some more women, I learned I have diastasis recti. This is why my stomach was stuck. It isn’t serious but actually very common. I have a huge creepy gap in my abs. Lots of movements I do at crossfit like lifting heavy weight, preforming toes to bar, and doing sit ups makes this problem worse (Anything that pushes your abs outward). Instead, I needed to be strengthening my transversus abdominis muscles to bring the abs back together. If I would have known, I would have treated my recovery so differently. 2 steps forward, 1 step back….

When I found this out I had a little pity party for myself for about 48 hours, talked to as many people as I could to gather information, and then was ready to move forward. I was angry my OB in LA didn’t warn me. She knew me well and knew about my Crossfit life! So I had to look for answers. I was posting to forums online looking around in a panic for answers. I didn't realize I had accidentally posted one of my frantic questions so people could see it on the Facebook feed. I felt bad for having a pity party all over Facebook because I have so much to be thankful for and this was just a set-back in my Crossfit game. It isn’t too late to fix it, and I most likely will be able to do it on my own since I will be very diligent in my rehab exercises. However, I realized once it went public that I should totally just write about it and help to spread awareness! So I decided I will share my journey of healing my DR.

I have included a few links to websites that have helped me this past week. I am doing the MuTu program at home each night, looking to the Breaking Muscle recovery plan exercises to help me modify the WOD each day at Crossfit, and following Brianna Battles and her “Everyday Battles” blog. The night I sat down to start the MuTu program I listened to the introduction video and all the symptoms of DR and CRIED!!! I had every. single. thing. she. described! I may have been alone at home, but I have never felt in better company! FINALLY, someone was talking my language. FINALLY, it all made sense. And with the next kid (God willing) l will be prepared with a better recovery plan!

I'm grateful for the competitive mindset that I have learned from my Valley Crossfit family for the five years I was in LA. While that mindset helped me be a great local and regional competitor, it translated to my everyday life. I made a plan to move forward and kick this DR! Even though I will miss the feeling of maxing out on lifts and will have to wait a little longer to get my muscle up back….. it will be a new and different kind of journey that will allow me to learn even MORE about my body and in the end, when I do make a full comeback- it will be just be that much sweeter.

****Please forgive the conversational writing, grammar, and typos. I am a tired momma :) ****

Negativity around Crossfit?! Here are my thoughts.

That's it. I normally avoid heated debates on Facebook but I am going to make a statement about the negativity circulating Crossfit lately. You know what I am talking about- the one article on the pregnant crossfitter and the other one on rhabdo as a "dirty little secret."

First, everyone has a different pregnancy because every single woman is DIFFERENT. Period. What one woman can do is going to be completely different from someone else. Exercise will vary with every single woman and what they were doing BEFORE they got pregnant, whether it is walking or lifting weights doesn’t matter. If I suddenly stopped crossfitting, that would be pretty UNHEALTHY for myself. So, let’s start worrying about the shit we are eating or decreasing stress in our lives or something that will actually help us make healthy babies.

Second, I have been crossfitting for around 9 years. I was around well before Crossfit has gotten big and my friends and coaches have turned into celebrities. That being said, I have NEVER been seriously injured, and I certainly wasn't an athlete before Crossfit. Why? I had excellent coaches that taught me correct form, when to push and when to back off. I can name so many life changing stories over these 9 years due to Crossfit, whether it was losing a bunch of weight or just gaining confidence in some way or another.

The volume I was putting in once I decided to compete was TOTALLY different than what I was doing before this switch. There is a big difference in these competitive programs, so if someone new comes in and tries to do what the competitive athletes are doing right away then they will probably get hurt! Now that Crossfit is much bigger there are more gyms and, therefore, some places and some coaches might not be that great. Shop around and find a gym you feel comfortable at! Find a place that isn’t going to push you to where you feel uncomfortable!!! Good coaches will keep a close eye on people that are new. You will find that most gyms will make you feel very comfortable. Why would you pay all that money for a place that makes you feel scared anyway? There are so many Crossfit gyms now that you actually DO have a choice of where to go!

That being said, I know Crossfit isn’t for everyone. There are lots of ways to stay healthy and exercise!! Wahoo! However, Crossfit CAN be scaled to any level and I have seen extremely overweight people come in barely able to move and come out healthy, strong, and confident. This is because they aren’t alone; there is a sense of community; and everyone cares for each other. You might not get this same motivation at the gym when you are alone. So if you feel like you are not getting results with what you are doing, think about changing it up, whether it is Crossfit or something else with a community!

There are many more success stories with Crossfit rather than scary rhabdo stories. There is injury in every sport. If you don’t want to do Crossfit, then don’t do it….but talking crap about it doesn’t help promote fitness, whether you are a trainer yourself or someone that just heard some rumors. Just because a teacher is certified to teach doesn’t mean he or she will be really good at it. Think about all the crappy teachers you’ve had in your life. Yeah, they all had the same exact training as many of the good teachers. There are tons of trainers and coaches out there for all kinds of exercise and sport but unlike with school sometimes, you have a choice of who you pay to coach you.

Our bodies are meant to move, so let’s stay healthy folks!!!

Transitions

It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. We are like eggs at present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad. ~C. S. Lewis

I love to feel stable, secure, and in a routine. This past year of training has been awesome and helped me keep my shit together between teaching and grading essays and training and getting stronger. Jesse helped me with my performance nutrition; Katie sent programming along with helping me with my mental game; and Kris, Becca and my teammates helping me with my movements. Yup, it has been a pretty kick ass year. Training to be a regional competitor in Crossfit is no small task and can feel overwhelming at times, especially during weeks where PRs seem far away. One thing I learned was to allow myself to be sad when results didn’t go my way BUT shake it off quickly knowing that next week was going to be better. Learning to deal with the ups and downs of training allowed me to grow as a person and an athlete, be able to compete on our amazing team, and have a blast while doing it all.

Ever since regionals last year I have proclaimed to the world that I would compete one more year and then I wanted to start trying for a family, change priorities, spend more time with my husband and a little less time in the gym, see LA, and experience other things with my extra time not spent at school or grading papers. Well, that time has come. Regionals is over, another school year is drawing to a close, and....it’s time to transition..... and... it's weird.

Historically, this gal REALLY hates change. I'd rather stay in my little comfort egg. Luckily, I have grown a lot these past few years and learned how to embrace the unknown. I think back to the skills that I used to feel were impossible like muscle ups, rope climbs, hand walking, and even trying to balance all of my extra training with my job. I think back to how nervous I was for my very first competition. While I still get nervous for competitions (who doesn’t?!), somehow in the midst of it all, I have turned into a fierce competitor who can stay calm and focused and truly believe in myself in the heat of battle. Who knew this emotional, crazy, anxious girl could stay so composed out there on the competition floor? I sure didn’t when I started this journey.

Just in the past few days I found that once I let go of the pressures of competing, new passions instantly rose to the surface. For example, I want to finally get my Crossfit certification, so I can figure out how I can bring Crossfit to high schools. Teenagers need to learn how to be healthy, of course. However, most importantly, the lessons Crossfit teaches about perseverance and integrity are invaluable and I want to be a part of it.

I believe now more than ever that Jared and I can accomplish anything we set our minds to in the future. A family. A school. A company. Anything. The future isn’t as scary as it used to be because I plan to attack it head on, as the fierce competitor that I have grown to become.

Balance is the key

"Just as your car runs more smoothly and requires less energy to go faster and farther when the wheels are in perfect alignment, you perform better when your thoughts, feelings, emotions, goals, and values are in balance." ~Brian Tracy

Everyday at around 3:40pm I start to hear the voices inside my head. I am so tired. School is so stressful. I have so much to do. I am exhausted. The kids took it all out of me. The stack of essays is starring at me. The laundry still isn’t folded, and I don’t know when I will have time to grocery shop. I feel a little nutty by this point of the day. However, unless I am really sick or something is wrong, I drag my ass to the gym. Most of the time, as my friends/coaches will attest, I won’t even say HI when I first get there. Certainly, those that know me well may be confused by this because….welll…I like to talk…a lot!! In fact, since my husband’s job has changed, he is home when I get home from school and is often confused (but maybe happy?!) by my silence. I need some time to completely shut down and reboot. During this reboot, I tell those voices to shut up because I know what awaits me at the gym. Whether I get a PR and have a great workout or have a shitty workout and feel disappointed, I am rejuvenated nonetheless. I feel like everything that I gave all day at school is now returned to me in some way. By the time the next morning comes around, I am ready to be Mrs. Ryan again. This balance, although hard to achieve, is something I have grappled with for the past few years. Isn’t balance something we all strive for? It isn’t easy. Things always need to be adjusted and it doesn’t always work. However, when it does, I am at my happiest and think that is probably true for most people. I took some time off of competing for a while for this very reason. While I was still putting in the same hours at the gym training hard, competitions on the weekends started to feel like a chore. I didn’t have my weekends to regroup, catch up on grading, and get good sleep. However, after a long hiatus, I competed on the VCF team (my first team competition) at the Winter ShakeDown! It was SO FUN; we got 3rd place, and my team was amazing! Competition was fun again for me, and it got me excited for the Open (thank goodness). Woot!

My own Hero's Journey! GO RUCK.

Go Ruck. It’s hard to put into words what we all went through- even for me, Ms. Chatterbox. However, it IS easy to fit it into the Hero’s Journey chart and made a GREAT lesson plan for The Odyssey Unit at school. So…here it goes!

Call To Adventure~Invites the initiate into the adventure, offers the opportunity to face the unknown and gain something of physical or spiritual value

A few months ago my friend Sagi had asked me if I every wanted to do Go Ruck. I asked what it was and then responded “maybe.” A few months after that Katie said she was asked to do it and was considering it. At this point, I decided my answer was YES. I emailed Sagi and committed to doing it.

Refusal of the Call~Often when the call is given, the hero temporarily refuses to heed it.

After I committed to do this, I started regretting it. I began to worry it was too much money, or too close to my camping trip and would interfere with my Crossfit training too much.... worried about the end of the trimester with school and too much grading..…but I realized that this was THE time to do it because I WAS scared. So I paid my money and got the confirmation email.

Threshold~The “jumping off point” for the adventure

1am. Venice Beach Fishing Pier. Anton and Mike stuck around for a little while watching us get wet and miserable doing bear crawls in the ocean…but Mike left…then shortly afterwards so did Anton…then shit got real.

Challenges~Situations that put the initiate at risk, emotionally and physically, forcing him to change and grow. Strike the initiate’s greatest weakness, poorest skill, shakiest knowledge, most vulnerable emotions.

Katie and I were chosen to lead the group early on. I was scared shitless! They took us out of the line and I had NO idea why because we weren't in a routine OR working as a team just yet. While Katie was the one that really took charge and got into her awesome coach mode with organizing movement of the huge log, I still had responsibilities and had to get rid of fears and weaknesses to help Katie lead the group.

Revelation~A sudden, dramatic change in the way the initiate thinks or views life; an insight or discovery about himself or life

Once the sun came up and we were done with the log, I thought everything would get better....but....it got worse as I realized we had hours left to go... so I had to change my mindset to get through the journey ahead.

Abyss~The greatest challenge of the journey.

For me, this was the last few miles. Everything hurt. So much pain. I hated all the people looking at us on Venice Beach. Just when I thought we were almost done, the cadre made us run through the sand to the ocean. This is when I cried.

Transformation~A moment of death and rebirth, a part of the initiate dies so that a new part, the hero, can be born

Shortly after this moment and also feeling like I was going to drown in the ocean, the cadre yelled at us to stop feeling sorry for ourselves and keep our chins up…so I got it together and kept my chin up for the last mile.

Atonement~The hero is “at one’ with his new self and life; the changes caused by the journey are at an end, and the hero is content with who he has be come

I was damn proud to get that GO RUCK patch 12.5 hours later, even if it was just after I got done crying….

Return~The hero returns to the known and his everyday life with a boon bestowed upon him based on his new level of skill and awareness.

Well, this about sums it up. Going to work on Monday was a strange feeling. I talked to a few other friends while they were at work and they ended up telling their co-workers that they slept all weekend because it was too hard to explain what the hell we just did. One thing was for sure though- we sure FELT different! Cheers to Troop 307!

Change

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. And how else can it be? The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven? And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives? When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. ~Kahlil Gibran

These past few months have been full of change, joy, and sorrow. Two of my best friends, Katie and Shaul, are leaving LA. Both of these people have made me laugh, have challenged me to be better, and have been there for me unconditionally. True Friends. The Real Deal. The Braintrust. They showed me I could move 3,000 miles away from my best friends in Michigan and find just as amazing friends in his crazy town. They have truly made me a better human in this world.

Although Katie hasn’t just been my friend, she has been my coach since June- and an amazing one at that. When I get down about something, she keeps me positive. Most importantly, this has translated into my own attitude; I can shake it off if something doesn't go the way I want it to in my training and be ready to tackle the next challenge. So along with the excellent programming, a positive attitude, great support, and amazing “Katie Hogan cues”- I feel like I am making great strides along with staying as stress-free as possible in my training when I come from a long day of teaching. I am not just saying this because Katie is my friend either; PRs don’t lie:)

I have changed thanks to the ladies of VCF and, even though Katie is moving, she will always be a part of the magic of the Valley Girls. I mean, I am doing GO RUCK next month. I am scared shiltless!! Why am I doing it? Partly because I want to tell my future children I did it. Partly because I listened to Kris after she did Sealfit try to convince me to do it and SHE believed in me (even though GO RUCK is WAY easier than Sealfit :) and cheaper! ). Partly because Sagi asked me to do it with him, and HE believed in me. Partly because I have already done so many things I NEVER thought I could do in my training and this is something different and scary! But, really, I realized the other day that I would have NEVER signed up to do something like this three years ago...or even a year ago!!! THAT is the cool part. So, thank you to everyone at VCF who has made me who I am today. And to Katie- cheers to the next stage of joy once the sorrow of leaving the valley subsides. I love you so much.

Passion

"Passion rebuilds the world for the youth. It makes all things alive and significant." Ralph Waldo Emerson

While looking through all of the pictures of my friends’ kids on their first days of school, I came across the picture to the left. Not only is this a really cute idea and will be great for her son to look back on as he grows up….but it also got me thinking! I was happy to dream about when I have my own kids and how excited I will be to do things like this, but I also realized that this makes me a little sad. Why? Well, a lot of my high school students that I teach have lost the excitement that cute, little Jacob has in this picture to the left. During the first two weeks of school, I work on getting to know my students. Even if I have had them previous years, things may change so it’s important to figure out what is going on their lives. For 11th grade, I had the students write down where they could potentially see themselves in this world in a few years. It could be a career, or a passion for cleaning up the environment, or really ANYTHING! One of my 11th graders wrote, “ I don’t know what I am doing with my life.” Boom. End of the paper. In contrast, one of my 9th graders typed out a page list of goals, plans, and passion. She went above and beyond the assignment, and I was blown away. This girl was excited for the future. There are many possible reasons for this drastic difference since these girls are completely different in age, personality, family life, etc. etc.; however, I did notice that this 9th grade student participated sports while the other student isn’t involved in anything outside of school. While this may or may not be the reason for my 11th grade student’s bewilderment, I started to ponder this…. While I have always been a goal driven, tenacious person, I also limited myself in many ways: not wanting to leaving my comfort zone of Michigan, not wanting to climb a rope, not wanting to find a new teaching job and be the new person in town again- and with these limits came stress and thus a loss of passion and a fear of the future. I realized how much physical fitness has to do with overall health of the mind and the body. Pushing my physical and mental capacities at Valley Crossfit both in the gym and also in competition has strengthened me and also brought back some of the excitement that I had lost in life. It made me truly believe in myself and not give up on my own dreams- and realize that I truly can handle big life changes-even if they are unplanned. As a teacher, I want to inspire my students to keep the same passion they had as first graders. I want them to realize that they can accomplish anything. I want them to continue to question the world around them and not settle when things don’t make sense….OR settle when they DO make sense. Keep questioning, thinking, and learning. I want them to feel excited and passionate about their future. I want to live that 1st grade passion at 31 years old. I want to believe that anything is possible. And you know what? It is.