I got in the mood to write!

“If you're doing something for the right reasons, nothing can stop you.”
~We Bought a Zoo


So I normally don’t write blog posts because as an English teacher, I am spending a lot of time reading and grading my students’ work and don’t have much steam left to sit down and write anything for myself. As a disclaimer, although I am an English teacher, this may not be the most beautifully polished piece of writing in the world. I have to proofread my handouts and emails to parents like crazy…and frankly, I don’t want to do that here. I just want to express what I have learned the past few years and have some fun writing it. Actually, as I am writing this now, I should actually be grading essay tests and writing narratives for school. I’ll get back to that shortly.

Ever since AP English in high school I wanted to be an English teacher. The way my teacher brought psychology, history, science, commercials, movies, and TV into our classroom and connected those concepts to the classical literature we were reading, inspired me. As humans throughout time, we were all connected and I loved it. So I got good grades. I got into U of M. I worked damn hard, and I was going to study to be a teacher. Let’s do this.

Flashforward: Present Day. The beginning of this school year was rough for me. For the first two months of school I felt almost out of control. Going from the summer, where I get to train as much as I want to, to full time teaching again can be difficult. For me, it is much easier if I can just do one thing 110%, so then I feel like I am really doing the best that I can. So, since there were TWO really important things I wanted to be doing 110%, I was feeling very uneasy. I found myself crying, frustrated, behind, and bitter. Wait a second. This isn’t right. I love my job AND I love Crossfit. It really shouldn’t be like this. I realized this on a rational level, but emotionally, I just couldn’t get a grasp.

Now that Crossfit is getting larger and larger, more and more opportunities to compete are presenting themselves. At the beginning of the school year, I felt like I should be doing every single one of these competitions. This made me spiral down into deeper into this hole I had dug myself. For some reason the competitions weren’t exciting anymore, but rather felt like a job. I blamed teaching for this feeling. If I wasn’t teaching, I wouldn’t be tired and I would want to compete. I should WANT to do all these competitions, right? I have enjoyed them up until now. I mean, I want to get better and push myself. What has changed? Argh! I was a mess inside my head. All of this insanity just left me feeling disappointed in myself.

In November I couldn’t do the second NLI competition because I was going to be in Michigan for my best friend Laura’s wedding. For some reason, being forced to step away from Crossfit AND school for a few days was just the thing that I needed. I was around my family, friends, and most importantly the newly married, amazing couple. Life was great and I started climbing out of the hole that I had dug for myself the first two months of school.

Teaching high school children, dealing with parents, making split decisions on how to handle issues or things students say at every given moment is stressful. Coming into the gym every single night exhausted from giving, giving, giving at school yet also wanting to do my best, get a PR, or just feel good about my performance in the WOD is a lot of pressure. As much as people tease me (all in love:) ) that I get stressed, I cry a lot, or I freak out pretty easily (which is all true), I do believe that on a regular basis I can handle my shit pretty damn well, and I ain’t gonna let nothin’ get me down!!
While I was home visiting Michigan for Christmas, I trained at Hyperfit- where I first started crossfitting when it was still a newborn. My husband Jared and I went to a WOD almost every day during our two week stay in the mitten. I got some extra training in besides what was programmed into class, but not as much as usual since I had family obligations and lots of people to see while I was in town. I took all of the pressure off for just a little while. What happened? I got some PRs while at Hyperfit and also upon my return to Valley. Letting the pressure go for just a little while was EXACTLY what I needed. Now, don’t get me wrong. Pressure is a good thing, too. It often drives me and pushes me to my limits. However, I realized that I shouldn’t be pushed to my limits every damn day. On top of THAT, I shouldn’t feel GUILTY for not pushing it all the time either. All of that shit is wasted energy. I have, and always will be, a really hard worker. I make list after list of Crossfit skills or lifts that I need to work on. I make list after list at school on ways I can improve tomorrow, next week, next month, or next year. I spend extra time at the gym and extra time planning for school. I won’t settle for less than my best. I know these things about myself. So why not relax and have some faith in the process and my own integrity???? Why not listen to that voice that comes on inside my head during competition that tells me that I can do it and that I believe in myself? I begin to see the light.

When I am teaching, I often make Crossfit analogies. For one, the kids all think Crossfit is really cool so they will actually listen to me. Most importantly, however, this is exactly how I am able to connect my own life to what the 9th grade students are going through themselves. I want them to experience growing and learning WITH me, not FOR me. Grades are important and all, but really, I want these kids to grow up to be a real person in this world with depth, integrity, and confidence.
I remember there was one day where I was encouraging them to make appointments with their teachers in other classes if they weren’t happy with their grade or didn’t understand something about the class. Even if they didn’t get along with that teacher or particularly like his/her teaching style, it was still THEIR responsibility to try to remedy the problem. So many of them sit there and just want to be the victim. Sure, you expect this from high school kids…but I am pushing my 9th graders to be better than that. I have to at least try!! So…here comes the crossfit analogy…..

I hate heights and rope climbing is often in Crossfit workouts and competitions. I told the kids that it would have been easy for me to avoid working on this skill because I hated it so much. However, I didn’t avoid the problem. I faced it head on even though I was really scared. (In fact, today we just did RJ at the gym which is a long hero WOD with 25 15 ft rope climbs. I did it all and I wasn’t even scared of the heights. ) I explained to my students that avoiding problems is never good, etc, etc, analogy analogy. You get the point…:)

Anyway, I realized if I was telling my students not to be victims then I can’t be one either!! Sure, I was attacking my physical weaknesses and/or skills that scared me; however, what about my mental state? The “oh poor me” attitude because I didn’t have more time to be a Crossfit competitor while also being a teacher has to stop because I don’t want to quit either one of them. Being a crossfitter and a teacher is part of my soul. It is who I am, and for me, they both are a piece to the meaning of life itself.
The beauty of Crossfit is that people leave there every day better than when they came in. Whether you are a Sally Jo, Billy Bob, Kris Clever, or Chris Spealler you walk out of that garage door with the same goods- better than when you walked in. You pushed the limits. You challenged the status quo. You left your comfort zone. How many people can say they do that on a daily basis? So then I stopped to think about the fact that I GET to do that at least TWICE a day both in the classroom and then later in the gym- but just in different ways. Damn. This is the life. Why was I fighting this so much at the beginning of the year?

What is this all really about? For me, it is always trying to improve myself. I had to face all kinds of fears when I moved to LA and left everything I knew. Leaving my comfort zone made me learn and grow in ways I never thought possible. This also makes me realize that more challenges are on their way. Sometimes I wonder how I ever will be able to have kids, teach, possibly open up my own school, do crossfit, and maintain all of the relationships in my life. However, when I start having these doubts, I remind myself that I refuse to be a victim and dig myself back into that hole. No way. The sun is going to keep me fired up for the future.

“All it takes is 20 seconds of insane courage and great things will happen. I promise.” ~We Bought a Zoo

What are you going to do with your 20 seconds today?